My Journey So Far….

My battle with anxiety has been getting better. The medication the doctor has put me on has helped. Sad to say, it is not a cure. Today is an example of that. I was feeling depressed and tired, so I thought I would go to the craft store. I pulled in, and almost had a panic attack.  I will have good days and bad days, but thankfully i have a support group to lean on. Not a support group like i go and talk to strangers, but a group of people that are willing to help. I called my husband and he just listened.  That’s all I need. I just want to talk to someone so that I don’t feel trapped in my crazy mind. My best friend called too. She didn’t and still doesn’t know I was having a bad day. It was nice just to talk about normal everyday stuff.  The thing I hate most about all of this, is the feeling that I’m crazy and feeling out of place. I know it’s not true and lots of people suffer with the same illness, but that’s not how it works. See, what happens is I start to get anxiety or i have a panic attack and the logical side of my brain tells me it’s silly because there is no reason to feel lonely, or panic, or fear, because I have no cause.  My emotions on the other hand are all askew. My mind races, my heart pounds and I feel crazy, like i could climb the walls. Then it turns into a circular cycle. Logic telling me I’m silly and me feeling more upset because I know it’s silly, but i cannot stop the feelings.

Anyway, that is a small peek into my battle. It,s getting better and most days are good days.

Tides of Change

Things are going to change. …  I’m going to make them change.

 

I have quit smoking, i have stopped biting my nails down to nubs. I have also gained 30 lbs in the past year. (That was before I quit smoking)  With every positive change I have made, I still didn’t fell “good”.  I still felt myself sinking more and more into my depression, and as I have mentioned to some, my depression is manifesting into Anxiety. I know how to handle depression, i have been dealing with it since puberty.  Anxiety is a relatively new thing for me. I would wake up days and hate the way I looked, dreading doing anything social.  I was a prisoner.  The anxiety would start…my heart racing, my mind spinning in circles…..

Then I started reading more and more of Jenny Lawson’s blog.  Not only is she funny, she is dealing with anxiety and depression too.  She speaks so openly about it, and admits when days are hard for her. It really meant a lot to me that someone would think its ok to talk about it. It seams like everyone thinks they are depressed and so many people blow it off like it’s nothing.It’s amazingly hard to express how you feel or don’t feel at all when you are depressed. It’s a wrestling match each time, and you hope you come out on top. Mostly I felt alone and like no one would understand.  Then she posted and article on how to handle life with depression and things to do.  I can’t for the life of me find it now, of course.  Anyway, the article really spoke to me and i forwarded it to a friend to help her understand what I was going through.

Then slowly, reading more of Jenny’s posts and reading Wil Wheaton’s posts on depression lies, i decided i needed a change. First I was just going through my mind, figuring out what to toss  and what I really needed to do.  What I really needed to do was be happy. I had a few false starts, but now I’m in my groove.  I am once again pursuing my creative projects and working out.  I don’t like the weight gain, so I joined the gym.  I find happiness in art, so I let my creativity flow.  I have been feeling much better. I want to stick to this plan. I don’t want my anxiety or depression get the best of me and leave nothing fo my family and friends.

 

I’m going to change, I WILL feel better.

 

You can find Jenny Lawson on Twitter @TheBloggess and http://thebloggess.com/ , and  Wil Wheaton  on twitter @Wilw and http://wilwheaton.net/

 

Remember: “Make Good Art” – Neil Gaiman

Anxiety is a thing

I hate looking like an idiot in any given situation. That isn’t unusual for anyone, but what drives me over the edge is that I keep thinking about it.  Did I say something wrong? Did I offend someone? It rolls over and over.

Most of the time it’s not an issue. I usually do what I do and not worry about it. I know I have a strong personality and most people don’t like it. I have a tendency to be brash and opinionated.  Most of the time I don’t care who i offend, because if they have a problem they should talk to me about it.

Then there are other times…..I don’t know why it bothers me.  Usually it involves people I don’t even really care about.  If  I stop and think, their opinion doesn’t really matter to me. That’s what makes me the most nuts. So why do these situations get under my skin.  I wouldn’t be heartbroken if they never spoke to me again. They have no major impact on my life.  I have plenty of friends that accept me for who I am.  I don’t strive to be accepted. I’m not willing to put up with bullshit just to have friends. Yet, in the way back, buried deep in my brain, there is this nagging feeling like I’m not good enough and not smart enough.  I know some of that is my depression trying to get the best of me, but it is still bothersome.

It is hard when most of the people I associate with have above average intelligence.  I try and tell myself that I am obviously smart to be able to hang out with them and have conversations with them.

I just hate feeling crazy.  I hate anxiety….to me it is worse that depression.  Overtime, the more I have gotten a handle on my depression the more it has manifested into anxiety.  If you do not suffer with anxiety you don’t really know how bad it can be. I do not have the worst of it, but it’s enough.

Imagine going about your daily routine and BAM! There it is, the need to pace the floor, your mind racing, and for no reason at all.  I don’t know what triggers it. It just happens and I feel like a victim.  That is the worst part, I chose not to be a victim and not to live as a victim.  Why can’t I get past it.  When I’m suffering with my anxiety, depression, like and evil sidekick steps in. Telling me I’m crazy.  Then it mounts and I think I am crazy.  I get through it by remembering to be logical and sit and think about the crazy things in my head. I get through it, but damn is it hard.

I refuse to be a victim, I refuse to believe I’m crazy.

I know I am strong, I know that I can be logical.

I will get through this.

 

 

More to Come

The painting part of the process is done.  I have used marker with acrylic paint. It looks better than expected so far.  It’s very exciting, I cannot wait to show the finish product!  I want to add some objects to the painting, hopefully, I will be able to do this weekend.  When it is finished it will be for sale.  Anyone interested can e-mail me at Bloodkisses@Vaygh.com!  I will post a picture of the finished product soon!

Painting again

I have been Painting again and experimenting with different textures and ideas.  i havent really finished anything in a long time.  I am determined to finish this one with all of its mistakes and sell it.  I don”t care how much I like it, someone else might like it more than I do. The only way to find out is to put myself out there. I will say it has been fun and I cant wait to do more!

 

medical

so, I go in tomorrow to find out if I still have a cyst on my ovary.  I’m pretty sure that it’s still there, considering that I still have pain. I just want to know where we go from there. I have read that sometimes they have to preform surgery. I’m hopeful that is not the case, but I also don’t want to have to go in for multiple visits to “keep an eye on it”.  Well after my appointment tomorrow I will have to wait about a week to find out.

I suppose it really isn’t a big deal.  I do have to say that I am tired of being diagnosed with things that  I just have to deal with. There isn’t anything to help or make arthritis better aside from ibuprophen, even that is only temporary.  There isn’t much I can do about the chronic sinus infection I have on my left side.

I’ m  working on having a more positive out look on things.  I want to feel better and stop having things run me down. Most of the time I  feel that I am too young to have this many problems.  Once again, things could be worse. I do know quite a bit of people who suffer more than I do.

I do, however, want to feel better.  Not to have to tell my child I can’t really play today because I am in pain would be awesome.  Those are not the cards I was dealt. Once again, I must suck it up and move on.  I will move on, but for the moment I am sad.  Tomorrow will be a better day, and hopefully i will get good news in about a week.

The Blog Strikes Back

I posted a blog yesterday, and again today.  Is it something new?  We will see.  I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and reorganizing my life.  I miss writing in a journal and putting my thoughts down. I will not claim to be a writer, because I am not.  But if you have chosen to read this along with yesterday’s post, you have chosen to take this journey with me.

I will try my best not to focus on the negative, that is one of the goals I aim for.  I wish to grow and learn things about myself and others. Most of all I need to rid myself of the demons rattling inside my head, and I also love creative outlets.  That being said, let me give you insight into the journey we will go on.

So the last half of 2011 was a total crap shoot.  It was seriously dragging me down. Withdrawing inside myself, I had a hard time seeing the world outside.  I won’t go into details here, but trust me I had all the regular problems: family, car, and social. I also had a not so regular problem of my apartment flooding with sewage. Normally i would let all these things drag me into deep dark hole where everyone around me suffered.

Well, one day I woke up and decided I didn’t want to feel that way anymore.  Learning from these experiences and moving on is what life is about. I still have a life to live and people to live for. Life has had a way of shitting  me and I don’t expect that to change. So, if that isn’t going to change, then I need to.  It’s strange for me to have a hopeful out look on life, but I think I like it.  I’m no longer going to feel guilt or sorrow for things I cannot change. I want to focus on what I can change.  Besides, the way I look at it, things could be way worse.  My child is happy and healthy, I have a place to live and food to eat.  There are many out there who don’t have any of that. I also have a loving husband who has stood by me through all of my insanity, and that says a lot.  He lets me lean on him so much that at times I feel it’s unfair.  Many don’t have anyone to turn to.  These are the things I think of when things start to suck the life out of me.  I really don’t have much to be sad about, and the things I am sad about, I will do what I can to change them.

Enjoy this journey with me, and if you get bored, don’t read it anymore. It’s that easy to change things you don’t like.

“Most people think, “Life sucks, and then you die.” I disagree. I think life sucks, then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy. You lose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission. You look good you feel good, you’re going great, and all of the sudden you have a stroke. You can’t move your right side. And one day you step off the curb at 68th by Lincoln Center and bang, you get hit by a bus. And then, maybe, you die.” ~Dr. Denis Leary

Friendship

“A friend is one who walks in when others walk out”
-Walter Winchell

“Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.
Walk beside me and be my friend.”
– Albert Camus (also attributed to Maimonidies)

This is a year that I think i will make new friends or solidify old friendships.  I feel that too many people don’t truly understand me, and it has brought a sadness into my heart.  I’m too old and too tired to feel guilty for things I should not. I aslo can not play the passive aggressive game, that is not me.  I need to try harder to make the friendships I want last.   New friends are always welcome, yet I lack action. Things need to change, in my heart and in my life.  The only way they will change is if I decide to change them. It’s going to be a hard road,  but I don’t want to feel lonely and misunderstood.

I married the person who understands me most.  There must be others out there like that, but he often feels misunderstood as well.

Change has been going on for years, yet I feel sometimes people still see me as someone I was and not someone I am.   There will be more change to come. I will make it so. I will make myself happy. I can no longer feel this way, and I’m tired of being called crazy for expressing my feelings , no matter how silly.

Change is in the air and I am hopeful.


Glasses

Muirne got her glasses today. She has been doing pretty well with them. I think she is amazed at how things are supposed to look. Its cute because its like she is discovering the world all over again. I think they are cute glasses, i just hope she doesn’t grow to hate them in school because the kids pick on her. That’s why i will always try my best to get her cute glasses. Hopefully some of the problem will sort itself out so maybe she wont need glasses forever.  We go to the Eye Doc again in 3 months so i will add an update then =)