Things are going to change. … I’m going to make them change.
I have quit smoking, i have stopped biting my nails down to nubs. I have also gained 30 lbs in the past year. (That was before I quit smoking) With every positive change I have made, I still didn’t fell “good”. I still felt myself sinking more and more into my depression, and as I have mentioned to some, my depression is manifesting into Anxiety. I know how to handle depression, i have been dealing with it since puberty. Anxiety is a relatively new thing for me. I would wake up days and hate the way I looked, dreading doing anything social. I was a prisoner. The anxiety would start…my heart racing, my mind spinning in circles…..
Then I started reading more and more of Jenny Lawson’s blog. Not only is she funny, she is dealing with anxiety and depression too. She speaks so openly about it, and admits when days are hard for her. It really meant a lot to me that someone would think its ok to talk about it. It seams like everyone thinks they are depressed and so many people blow it off like it’s nothing.It’s amazingly hard to express how you feel or don’t feel at all when you are depressed. It’s a wrestling match each time, and you hope you come out on top. Mostly I felt alone and like no one would understand. Then she posted and article on how to handle life with depression and things to do. I can’t for the life of me find it now, of course. Anyway, the article really spoke to me and i forwarded it to a friend to help her understand what I was going through.
Then slowly, reading more of Jenny’s posts and reading Wil Wheaton’s posts on depression lies, i decided i needed a change. First I was just going through my mind, figuring out what to toss and what I really needed to do. What I really needed to do was be happy. I had a few false starts, but now I’m in my groove. I am once again pursuing my creative projects and working out. I don’t like the weight gain, so I joined the gym. I find happiness in art, so I let my creativity flow. I have been feeling much better. I want to stick to this plan. I don’t want my anxiety or depression get the best of me and leave nothing fo my family and friends.
I’m going to change, I WILL feel better.
Remember: “Make Good Art” – Neil Gaiman