I hate looking like an idiot in any given situation. That isn’t unusual for anyone, but what drives me over the edge is that I keep thinking about it. Did I say something wrong? Did I offend someone? It rolls over and over.
Most of the time it’s not an issue. I usually do what I do and not worry about it. I know I have a strong personality and most people don’t like it. I have a tendency to be brash and opinionated. Most of the time I don’t care who i offend, because if they have a problem they should talk to me about it.
Then there are other times…..I don’t know why it bothers me. Usually it involves people I don’t even really care about. If I stop and think, their opinion doesn’t really matter to me. That’s what makes me the most nuts. So why do these situations get under my skin. I wouldn’t be heartbroken if they never spoke to me again. They have no major impact on my life. I have plenty of friends that accept me for who I am. I don’t strive to be accepted. I’m not willing to put up with bullshit just to have friends. Yet, in the way back, buried deep in my brain, there is this nagging feeling like I’m not good enough and not smart enough. I know some of that is my depression trying to get the best of me, but it is still bothersome.
It is hard when most of the people I associate with have above average intelligence. I try and tell myself that I am obviously smart to be able to hang out with them and have conversations with them.
I just hate feeling crazy. I hate anxiety….to me it is worse that depression. Overtime, the more I have gotten a handle on my depression the more it has manifested into anxiety. If you do not suffer with anxiety you don’t really know how bad it can be. I do not have the worst of it, but it’s enough.
Imagine going about your daily routine and BAM! There it is, the need to pace the floor, your mind racing, and for no reason at all. I don’t know what triggers it. It just happens and I feel like a victim. That is the worst part, I chose not to be a victim and not to live as a victim. Why can’t I get past it. When I’m suffering with my anxiety, depression, like and evil sidekick steps in. Telling me I’m crazy. Then it mounts and I think I am crazy. I get through it by remembering to be logical and sit and think about the crazy things in my head. I get through it, but damn is it hard.
I refuse to be a victim, I refuse to believe I’m crazy.
I know I am strong, I know that I can be logical.
I will get through this.